Clue 2008

"IT WAS THE TODDLER WITH THE FEBREEZE IN THE LIVING ROOM"

This is the gaping hole where our television used to sit peacefully minding its own business.

How you wonder, did such a big gigantoid void come to be in an otherwise nondescript, law abiding, surburban household?

Well, that's where our story begins.......................

Act One Scene One: The Kosub family bathroom. It’s 7:45 a.m. and the family is busy in the morning hustle and bustle. Enter, the culprit, Emerson Claire Kosub, and her insatiable hunger for destruction.

Emme: Mommy, my hair loots ca-zy. Fiz it.
Mommy: You won’t let me put it in a pony tail, so that’s the best I can do.
Emme: Fiiiinnnne. Mommy, I wanna pud on your mate-up.
Mommy: No, baby, mommy is in a big hurry and I have to get ready or I am going to be late. Go get your shoes on.
Emme: (Throwing herself onto the floor for a big, fake, fit.) I don’t wanna go to Ganny’s, I wanna stay here and watch Bootie Beast!!!!
Mommy: Here, look, take this bottle of Febreeze and go spray mommy’s bed and make it smell good.
Emme: Yeahhh!!

Emerson runs off, happily spraying the Target brand knock-off Febreeze. The air is filled with a child's laughter and the pleasant smells of a spring garden.

Act One, Scene Two: The Kosub family garage. It is 5:30 p.m. and Mommy and Emme have just returned from Hastings with the latest potty present, Barbie and the Diamond Castle. Their celebratory mood quickly fades when they see a menacing looking Dobie standing in the garage, hands on hips.

Mommy: What’s wrong?
Dobie: You need to come in the house.
Mommy: Seriously, I’m worried, just tell me what happened? Were we robbed?
Dobie: Emme did something.
Mommy: Oh.
Emme: (From the back seat) Sow-ree mommy, it was an assident.
Mommy: What did you do?
Emme: I dunno, but I dint do it purpus-ly.

Act One, Scene Three: The Kosub family living room. Dobie is kneeling is front of his television, like a soldier holding his fallen comrade, softly stroking it with a damp cloth. The bottle of Fakee-breeze is sitting in front of the television, and Emerson is no where in sight.

Mommy: What happened?
Dobie: Evidently, Emerson got ahold of a bottle of this (holding up the stupid, stupid, bottle of fake Febreeze) and sprayed it all over the TV.
Mommy: (Realizing where Emme got the spray, Mommy swallows hard as the truth washes over her) Can you just wipe it off?
Dobie: She sprayed so much, it got under the plastic screen; I don’t think it can be wiped off.

Mommy: Umm, what’s all that black stuff?
Dobie: It’s where the fiber screen used to be. The spray is mostly alcohol and when combined with the heat of the TV, it disintegrated the fiber screen.

At this, Mommy decides to come clean. Mommy tries to explain how it is she who gave
the spray to Emerson in an attempt to occupy her earlier that morning. She is ridden with guilt and blames herself for the damage to Dobie’s most prized possession. Luckily for her, Dobie gallantly refuses to make her feel like the irresponsible wretch that she most certainly is.

Final Scene: Both Kosub parents are now kneeling in front of the TV, still reeling from
the realization that Emerson’s path of destruction truly knows no bounds.

Dobie: Don’t beat yourself up babe, these things happen.
Mommy: Actually, not to be totally argumentative, but I have never heard of anyone else’s three year old incinerating their high definition television with Febreeze.
Dobie: What, I meant to say sweetheart, and what is much more accurate, is these things happen to us.
Mommy: True enough, my friend, true enough. (long pause) So, are those screens expensive?
Dobie: Well, the repairman says that he can replace it for about $350.
Mommy: $350 Dollars!!!! EMMMERRRSONNNN!!!
Emme: (From somewhere in the back room.) It wuz an assident!!!! I saaiid I wuz sow-ree!!!!! Gah –leeee!!

End scene………………………….

The Princess v. The Potty

Here is a small sampling of Emme's three year old pictures. There are a grand total of 81. I am amazed at how wonderful they turned out considering that Emme was not exactly a willing participant. Lucky for me, my sister is a fantastic photographer and has enough patience and love for my child to endure the grueling experience of trying to take her picture. I swear, if it wasn't for Sandy taking my kids' pictures, there would be no pictures of them at all.

I need to get Carson's pictures made too, but he is more reluctant than Emerson. He does not want to wear anything that I would consider "picture worthy" and really, really does not want to take time out of his busy Nintendo playing schedule to accommodate the wishes of his mother. I told him that someday he is going to complain that we only have pictures of Emme. And when that day comes, I will gladly remind him that it is his own fault. The only evidence I have that he existed last year was the pictures that Sandy took as well as a perfect digital rendering of what Carson looks like when constipated that Lifetouch had the nerve to charge $26.00 for.

But I digress, back to Emme. She is three now and no closer to being potty trained than the last time I posted (which was a million years ago, I know, but I've been really busy). On Sunday, she wore panties all day with only one accident. Just when I started thinking that maybe we were making progress, she came strolling out of my bedroom wearing a Pull-Up. Somewhat befuddled, I asked her why was she not wearing panties. She explained, oh, so matter of factly, that she needed to poop, so she changed. Uh, are you seeing the problem here? My 3 year old daughter has the presence of mind to take off her pretty panties so as not to mess them up, go get a Pull-Up, pull them up, promptly poop, and come on out so that I can change her. But, this same child, cannot expend one ounce of effort to simply go sit on the potty. I am bewildered on what to do next. I think that I may have missed the window of potty training opportunity and now it has just become a battle of wills. A battle which I am woefully losing.

In other Emme news, she is growing like a weed and is in the 75% in height and 10% in weight. She still loves the Disney Princesses and all things girly. She loves to dress up and have tea parties with anyone who will oblige. Her favorite movie is still Spiderman and her favorite cartoon is Spongebob. She likes dancing and music and the color pink. She paints her fingernails about 10 times a week and loves to capture people and stick them in her "booty shop" chair. She has made one friend, "La", and has even enjoyed one real play date.

Potty training aside, I think we may keep her.